Noah’s Ark Blueprint Discovered and Translated. I, the lowly Rednecksputter am honored to have been chosen to share the written portion posted here, with the reader.

This is only the written instructional portion of the original blueprint as composed by Noah. The drawings are in equally poor condition and are on display, under bullet proof glass, in the Museum at the Southern Baptist Institute for Advanced Study whose secret location is not currently available to the general public.

Things to do before we begin actual construction:

1. Assemble all necessary stone tools needed for construction.
Contact Livestock International Transfer in London for transshipment of Australian, Asian, North and South American, African, Artic and Antarctic species. Note: find out what a species is.
2. Contact the Frankfurt Zoo in Germany and request qualified vets to medically evaluate the selected animal pairs so that diseased and deformed animals might be excluded.
3. Contract with Sphnyx Engineering of a small country yet to be discovered.
Le Verney
CH-1604 Puidoux
Switzerland
For construction and delivery of electrical high speed, heavy lift Ark elevators, waste treatment facility, refrigeration lockers and on-board desalination plant.
Note: invent electricity and see if the Swiss will take payment other than Swiss Francs. Also acquire from Siemens of Germany, (yet to be invented), an advanced forced air, antimicrobial system to prevent wholesale asphyxiation of Ark passengers. I want to die of old age,(around 950+/-). Note: find out what a Germany, microbe, asphyxiation and Siemens is.
4.Locate and have delivered sufficient trees for wood planking. Determine how many additional Arks I’ll have to build just for insect species alone.
5.Invent and construct a stone lathe for the making of wood planking.
6.Build a 500 acre holding-pen compound with facilities for carnivores separate from those of herbivores with feeding and water supply and waste disposal. Hire animal handlers from local tribes to free up my three boys so they can help with construction. Note: This ought to be interesting as none of us have any construction experience whatever and boats have not been invented. Find out what a ‘boat’ is.
7.Since we don’t have any metal nails, as metal has not been invented yet, get the Swiss to bring sufficient epoxy resin to hold the Ark together. Note: Find out what epoxy resin is.
8.Accumulate sufficient food stuffs for all animals including us eight human animals. Try to guess if the composers of this story by future soothsayers have us being able to eat any of the clean animals.
9.Take both two each and seven each pairs of clean animals so as not to contradict the contradicting stories written by soothsayers, after this event, and included in the “inerrant” word of God.
10.Locate and acquire four thousand each of the five hundred million cubic kilometer containers of water not available on earth for God’s use in flooding the earth. Make arrangements for the disposal of the extra water, after God uses it to kill everything and the flood is over, this to be done somewhere outside our solar system so as not to contradict a book to be written and called “the inerrant word of God”. Note: I assume that God will dispose of all the dead bodies resulting from his idea to kill off his creation since the resulting disease of not doing so would kill everything we manage to save.
Note: find out what a solar system, kilometer, and the concept of a cubed integer is. Find out what “inerrant” is.

Addendum to the above Plan, attached hereto and made a part hereof. Note: Find out why such a ridiculous statement as this is even necessary and what an attorney is.

I am writing this (“writing”? What???) Of course, we all know that writing hadn’t been invented when God forced me to try to do this. But, just as an after thought to my plans which I hasten to point out is just some crazy thoughts that I wouldn’t actually consider doing, me being faithful and all like that, at least where God could here and see me anyway,
I could just not build the damned thing at all and wait for some future soothsayer to claim that we done it. I’m gonna die anyway before I reach 1000 years of age and that ain’t bad in a time when 30 years of age is considered ancient.

I am already over 600 years old and my stamina ain’t what it used to be. I will have to repopulate the earth with my 592 year old wife together with my three sons and their wives, ignoring inbreeding and the fact that my sons will have to breed with their mother. On the plus side, I will get to breed with the wives of my sons all with the predictable, terrible potential results of offspring deformation.
Note: find out what in-breeding is and why it produces deformed offspring.
Have the Swiss set up a Trust Account to manage the dissemination and rights to this building plan should writing be invented at some point so that I might have been able to write it in the first place and in the very strong likelihood that it be discovered and put on something called, ‘the Web’.
Find out what the Hell the Web is and, for that matter, what the Hell…”Hell” is.
Finally; find out what or who these Swiss are and where they might be found.
Even though I am Noah I couldn’t of writ this here plan wif-out the help and assistance of Adrian Barnett, (to be invented later), what knows lots of stuff.

Final note: Since neither Isaac Newton nor gravity has been invented yet I chose to overlook the fact that a steal structure (whatever that may be) of this size could not support its own weight. Anyway, I am using wood without nails, whatever they may be, so I don’t have to worry about something called steal, to be invented later..
Also a word of thanks to Gutenberg for inventing movable type and the guy what will think to make good use of poo poo stained linen underwear, which instead of being throed away as will be the practice for decades, and use it to improve something to be called paper so that my story might be spread about as part of something that will be called “knowledge”!

Signed:__X__ (Noah is the name given to me by later story tellers but the “X” is my real signature) Find out what a signature is.

Thanks for reading?, my true story.