An Object Lesson in Christian Tolerance.

Harry Potter should be hanged until dead!

Children should be whipped into an emotional frenzy and taught to praise a life-size cardboard likeness of President Bush.

Children should placed in a room under adult supervision and forced to pray until they become so incensed they ram their little clinched fists in the air while shouting praises for the Republican Party, beseeching the blessings of Jesus upon it and wishing Hell Fire upon most of the country..

This is what I saw on the morning news on Wednesday, October 27, 2006.

We worry about Islamic fundamentalism arriving in the USA.

These people are already here and living well in, among other places,
“Jesus Camp”, in North Dakota.

It is such a comfort to witness Christian Love and military training for 9 to 12 year old
“Soldiers for Jesus” !

My reaction…’Jesus H. Christ’ ! What’s next?

“The inquiring mind…”

The question begs,..are average Americans responsible for turning our government over to imbeciles and unsavory individuals?

No! I say. Witness here some sincere questions asked of Park Service, Tour Guides, State Tourist offices and Cruise Boat personnel. These Americans, represented below, are surely those responsible for putting Republicans in charge of, what is it? Oh! Yeah! the destruction of our way of life.

From Cruise Ship Passengers, the following:
"Does the crew sleep on board?"
"How far above sea level are we?"
"Is the island surrounded by water?"
"Are all Caribbean islands the same size?"
"How does the captain know which port to go to?"
"Can we get off in the Panama Canal?"
"Does the ship generate its own electricity?"
"Does the elevator go up as well as down?"
"Why is the sauna so hot?"
"Are there two seating’s at the midnight buffet?"
And one I could not ignore:
Passenger: "What is caviar?"
Waiter: "Fish eggs, sir"
Passenger: "In that case, I'll have two, over-easy!"
Any National Park – take your pick:
"Have we done all there is to do, or are we missing something?"
"What is there to do around here at night?"
"Is there anything interesting up the trail, or just more of the same? (trees, rocks, streams, you know)"
"Tourists to one another: "Are you seeing anything good?"
"Since there are bears here, should I keep my cat inside the tent?"
Denali (Alaska)
"What time do you feed the bears?"
"Can you show me where the Yeti lives?"
"How often do you mow the tundra?"
"How much does Mount McKinley weigh?"
Yellowstone
"Does old faithful erupt at night?"
"How do you turn it on?"
"When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?"
"Where do the animals sleep at night?"
"We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?"
"Do we have to leave at night before the gates are closed?"
"When do the deer turn into elk?"
"Can we eat this? (holding a handful of moose droppings that look like milk duds)"

Noah’s Ark Blueprint Discovered and Translated. I, the lowly Rednecksputter am honored to have been chosen to share the written portion posted here, with the reader.

This is only the written instructional portion of the original blueprint as composed by Noah. The drawings are in equally poor condition and are on display, under bullet proof glass, in the Museum at the Southern Baptist Institute for Advanced Study whose secret location is not currently available to the general public.

Things to do before we begin actual construction:

1. Assemble all necessary stone tools needed for construction.
Contact Livestock International Transfer in London for transshipment of Australian, Asian, North and South American, African, Artic and Antarctic species. Note: find out what a species is.
2. Contact the Frankfurt Zoo in Germany and request qualified vets to medically evaluate the selected animal pairs so that diseased and deformed animals might be excluded.
3. Contract with Sphnyx Engineering of a small country yet to be discovered.
Le Verney
CH-1604 Puidoux
Switzerland
For construction and delivery of electrical high speed, heavy lift Ark elevators, waste treatment facility, refrigeration lockers and on-board desalination plant.
Note: invent electricity and see if the Swiss will take payment other than Swiss Francs. Also acquire from Siemens of Germany, (yet to be invented), an advanced forced air, antimicrobial system to prevent wholesale asphyxiation of Ark passengers. I want to die of old age,(around 950+/-). Note: find out what a Germany, microbe, asphyxiation and Siemens is.
4.Locate and have delivered sufficient trees for wood planking. Determine how many additional Arks I’ll have to build just for insect species alone.
5.Invent and construct a stone lathe for the making of wood planking.
6.Build a 500 acre holding-pen compound with facilities for carnivores separate from those of herbivores with feeding and water supply and waste disposal. Hire animal handlers from local tribes to free up my three boys so they can help with construction. Note: This ought to be interesting as none of us have any construction experience whatever and boats have not been invented. Find out what a ‘boat’ is.
7.Since we don’t have any metal nails, as metal has not been invented yet, get the Swiss to bring sufficient epoxy resin to hold the Ark together. Note: Find out what epoxy resin is.
8.Accumulate sufficient food stuffs for all animals including us eight human animals. Try to guess if the composers of this story by future soothsayers have us being able to eat any of the clean animals.
9.Take both two each and seven each pairs of clean animals so as not to contradict the contradicting stories written by soothsayers, after this event, and included in the “inerrant” word of God.
10.Locate and acquire four thousand each of the five hundred million cubic kilometer containers of water not available on earth for God’s use in flooding the earth. Make arrangements for the disposal of the extra water, after God uses it to kill everything and the flood is over, this to be done somewhere outside our solar system so as not to contradict a book to be written and called “the inerrant word of God”. Note: I assume that God will dispose of all the dead bodies resulting from his idea to kill off his creation since the resulting disease of not doing so would kill everything we manage to save.
Note: find out what a solar system, kilometer, and the concept of a cubed integer is. Find out what “inerrant” is.

Addendum to the above Plan, attached hereto and made a part hereof. Note: Find out why such a ridiculous statement as this is even necessary and what an attorney is.

I am writing this (“writing”? What???) Of course, we all know that writing hadn’t been invented when God forced me to try to do this. But, just as an after thought to my plans which I hasten to point out is just some crazy thoughts that I wouldn’t actually consider doing, me being faithful and all like that, at least where God could here and see me anyway,
I could just not build the damned thing at all and wait for some future soothsayer to claim that we done it. I’m gonna die anyway before I reach 1000 years of age and that ain’t bad in a time when 30 years of age is considered ancient.

I am already over 600 years old and my stamina ain’t what it used to be. I will have to repopulate the earth with my 592 year old wife together with my three sons and their wives, ignoring inbreeding and the fact that my sons will have to breed with their mother. On the plus side, I will get to breed with the wives of my sons all with the predictable, terrible potential results of offspring deformation.
Note: find out what in-breeding is and why it produces deformed offspring.
Have the Swiss set up a Trust Account to manage the dissemination and rights to this building plan should writing be invented at some point so that I might have been able to write it in the first place and in the very strong likelihood that it be discovered and put on something called, ‘the Web’.
Find out what the Hell the Web is and, for that matter, what the Hell…”Hell” is.
Finally; find out what or who these Swiss are and where they might be found.
Even though I am Noah I couldn’t of writ this here plan wif-out the help and assistance of Adrian Barnett, (to be invented later), what knows lots of stuff.

Final note: Since neither Isaac Newton nor gravity has been invented yet I chose to overlook the fact that a steal structure (whatever that may be) of this size could not support its own weight. Anyway, I am using wood without nails, whatever they may be, so I don’t have to worry about something called steal, to be invented later..
Also a word of thanks to Gutenberg for inventing movable type and the guy what will think to make good use of poo poo stained linen underwear, which instead of being throed away as will be the practice for decades, and use it to improve something to be called paper so that my story might be spread about as part of something that will be called “knowledge”!

Signed:__X__ (Noah is the name given to me by later story tellers but the “X” is my real signature) Find out what a signature is.

Thanks for reading?, my true story.

Angel responsible for America gives Biannual Report to God
Report by Seglende Schnoopenaur, (Angel assigned to America)
April 15, 2006 CE
By Billy Bob Poteet (Independent Press Correspondent, White House)
(Note: All Heavenly biannual reports are routinely recorded on Swiss organic nano-particle organic bio-chips about the size of the head of a pin. This chip was probably taken from the modest suite of Sister Seglende at the Hay-Adams, Washington DC, after her return hours before, from Heaven. This report was almost certainly acquired by nefarious means and is published by this periodical only in the interest of the people. We at the Washington Sun/Star in no way condone such activities) Ed.

WASHINGTON DC – This reporter occasionally takes lunch at the Hay-Adams when dining with a source employed by the administration, (how else could I afford a $90.00 grilled cheese and a glass of water). After listening to 20 minutes on why Iraq was an overwhelming danger to our shores and a wonderful military success demonstrating the true military genius of both Donald Rumsfeld and our President I excused myself and paid $5 to use the men’s room. Upon exiting the men’s room another source who works as room service at the ‘Hay’ got my attention and allowed that she had something worth $1000.00. This is common in DC so I agreed to the sum and was given a table napkin with a little black dot folded within. I thanked my government source with the promise that I would write an article supporting the Administration’s absolute necessity to enter Iraq prior to that country’s imminent invasion of the US East Coast. This reporter never intended to write such drivel but you haven’t had a grilled cheese until you have one of those $90 babies from the ‘Hay’. The Star’s technology department with the help of a brother-in-law who works nights over at the NSA, got the following dialog from the advanced recording device hitherto unknown to man.

God’s secretary informs Sister Seglende of the Coptic Church that she is next and she enters God’s office. There is a strait back chair facing God’s rosewood executive desk. God is reposed in a Swedish built ergonomic leather executive chair behind reams of files so that God has to peer between two four foot high stacks.
Sister Seglende, of the Coptic Church, waits uncomfortably as God finishes making furious notes; the Angle for Saudi Arabia has immediately preceded Sister Seglende. God is frowning and mumbling.
God looks up and says,
G. “Begin.”
S. “Well Tom DeLay will probably have to resign.”
G. “And who is Tom ReLay?”
S. “Uh, that’s Tom DE-LAY” anyway, he got caught again and this time the party will abandon him”
G. :Party? What is that?”
S. “Uh political party, the one you appointed to run America.”
G. “I appointed, you say?”
S. “Yes, at least that’s what they say, often, actually.”
G. “Interesting, go on.”
S. “Your spokesman, Pat Robertson wants to kill somebody else, well, (hesitation) he says you are actually going to do the killing because the man is Jewish and has not accepted Jesus as his personal savior.”
G. “Hummmm Go on.”
S. “There is the usual stuff about America being a Christian nation built on Christian principles.”
G. “Is that it?
S. “That’s about it. Are there any instructions?”
G. :”Yes. #1. Find this Pat Robertson woman and tell her that I don’t know her and she definitely does NOT speak for me and she will cease and desist from making unauthorized pronouncements of any kind in my name. Remind her that she has already earned an excruciatingly long stay in a place we have that makes their childish fantasy of hell seem like a visit to that really good resort in Fiji for some very painful experiences she will long remember. #2. This America, being built on Christian principles stuff, whatever that nonsense is supposed to mean; find out who is spreading this rumor and make them a reservation right next to that Pat Robinson woman. Also find out what retard came up with that? Anyway, you will lend no support to this ridiculous claim in any way. We do not get involved in the pathetic human machinations of my worst ever invention; I Rue the day. We didn’t do it for the Mesopotamians and all that favored people business and We are definitely not going to begin with this upstart religion and its egocentric claims. And 3. Find out why that retard is still in that big white house those American people revere so much. Now, should I kill this ReLay guy or just leave it to them? Any questions?”
S “No Mam!”
G “Thank you. You’re excused.”

Literary credit in homage to the late and lamented Lewis Grizzard for the inspiration and to Sister Seglende for leaving her personal belongings lying about unprotected in her modest hotel suite.
BB Poteet

"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions."
Albert Einstein